Sunday, February 05, 2006

A little bit of Millenium time fun

 Dear Tech Support:
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
> Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
> Boyfriend 5.0.
> In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
> such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
> undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket
> 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.
> I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.
> What can I do?
> Signed,
> Desperate
> ------------------
> Dear Desperate:
> First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
> Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:
> C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should
> automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as
> designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
> Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above
> application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
> Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
> WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring
> Loudly.
> CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
> supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
> memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
> buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I
> personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
> Good Luck,Tech Support
> ------------------
> Dear Technical Support,

> 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
> which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
> apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
> was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
> To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
> other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and
> Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
> I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
> left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for
> several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and
> Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two
> systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
> I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
> product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
> tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
> FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006.
> Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
> very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
> automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
> They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
> Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
> can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These
> products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
> problem is.
> Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
> requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
> which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
> attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often
> crashes.
> Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
> which can't be turned off.
> Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could
> be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
> 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your Money

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